peace of mind or piece of shit

the day i decided to leave my ex-husband i was getting dressed to go to my part-time job.  he and i had talked about separating for about two months.  when i finally told him i thought it was for the best, he was less than receptive.  he punched a hole in a wall, kicked the bathroom door and threw a hot iron at my feet. 

*note to self...never tell a man you're leaving when he's ironing.*

he snatched my clothes, took my keys and locked me in the bedroom.  he barred me from leaving.  he begged me to stay.  i was trying to reason with him in my panties and bra.  after a few hours he relented.  i put on the first thing i could find, grabbed my purse and walked out the door.  on the way out he grabbed my hand and removed my wedding ring vowing to take back everything else he ever gave me.  a week later ashamed at his behavior, he gave me the ring back.  i never wore the ring again.

even though i was married for about two years almost nine years ago, i find myself being confronted with reminders of him.  my ex was raised in an abusive home.  his mother was beat by his father.  i didn't learn this until after we were married.  his family was very slick in hiding the truth.  their in-laws would pray that his father would get "the devil out of him". 

his mother left his father only once during our marriage.  we went to pick her up to take her to a shelter (she only stayed three days).  his father looked at his son and said:

"if she's anything like this bitch you should leave her right now."

those words shook me to my soul.  i had no idea who or what i was dealing with.  my struggle after that was not to become like my husband's mother.  he didn't hit me physically.  i dealt with mental blows though.  i turned into a former shell of myself.  i walked on eggshells to prevent him from being angry.  i didn't fight.  i withdrew.  and even though people don't think spousal rapes occur, it does.  after that and his attempted isolation from my family, i decided it was time to leave.  i left that house with my clothes, furniture and my new found dignity.  i left pieces of shit for my peace of mind.

now years later, i was faced with the same choice.  i'm not saying my last relationship was as bad as my marriage.  by no means it wasn't.  i began to see flashes of shit i didn't like.  maybe if i had effectively dealt with the leftovers of my marriage, i could have made things better between he and i.  i wouldn't have been afraid to engage in conversation.  i wouldn't have felt as if i was unsure everyday.  did i love this man?  yes.  i still do.  but i can't be unhappy anymore.

maybe i am running away.  but the way i see it i'm running towards my peace of mind again.  i apologize for hurting him deeply.  i know he hates me for what was done and how things went down.  i fault myself for everything that was done and how it has ended.

Comments

[nikki indigo]

don't go faulting yourself for ALL of it. don't play the martyr here. bottom line is that it takes two folk to make it work and two folks for it to fold.

hopefully one day he'll understand. i'm currently in that same "leaving towards something" situation and yeah, it hurts to hurt the one you love but you love yourself too and is it fair to continue hurting yourself so that someone else will be aiight? hell nah.

sending hugs and good vibes your way, sis.

[godbabymama]

do what you need to do to remain FREE. Life is to short to deal with mess. I am moving on myself from emo abuse. so you want 10 years of the same? hell no. move on girl and take me with you.

[Angie]

Ki, I'm proud of you. It takes alot of strength to stop trying to please everybody else and focus on yourself. Just remember anyone who loves you will understand and support you through whatever you are dealing with. That's love.

Keep growing girl! I look forward to seeing you this summer.

[aquababie]

thanks for the support ladies. and nikki you're right. i shouldn't be the martyr. just some days i feel that way.

[Abraham B.]

My question is as follows: Do you think that your marriage has made it increasingly harder to have substantial relationships later in life? I have never been in a situation (of course since I am a man) of abuse of any nature (well maybe mind games, but alas) but I can relate to the "bail out" instinct when things seem to be progressing the same way as past relationships. It is good you recognized what you could and couldn't (or shouldn't) deal with. They say time heals, but you will never heal if someone keeps pulling the scab off your injured soul. - anyway.. glad you are dealing. See ya next week, if not before.

[aquababie]

in some instances it has. it has made me hypersensitive about some things. i think if my spirit feels threatened, then my fight or flight instinct kicks in. to make it through my marriage, I did plenty of flighting, not too much fighting.

if it has also contributed to my interactions with some men. i'm in the process of working through this

[mighty_oba]

Okay, I am kinda new to this blog thing, so pardon me if my decorum is wrong, but...

It seems as if you speak a great deal about your ex-husband, but not very much about your recent relationship. Was there a difference, or what it pretty much the exact same stuff?

If he was like your ex, don't even look back. If not, then you're like me, I think.

I am asking because I recently had a similar experience. I think that i may have gotten rid of a really good person/relationship off due to my own irrational fear. In retrospect, she was really nothing like my "bitch from hell" ex, but I treated her like it. I think that I want her back, but, you know, ego and pride (fear) kind of gets in the way.
Good people are REALLY hard to find, so...

btw, very nice blog - I, for one, am impressed.

[aquababie]

no, your decorum is fine. i believe the shit that affects me will continue to affect. i am dealing with it, but i know deep down things still bother me.

i presentedthat story to share insight in my life. don't worry, i will get around to all the people in my life :)

[mighty_oba]

Well, at the risk of sounding preachy or giving unsolicited advice, there is this concept called a self-fulfilling prophecy where it is said that if you believe something enough or repeat it in your head enough, no matter how untrue it may be, it will become reality. This is good for the good stuff, but I certainly hope that your past "shit" doesn't continue to affect you, for you seem like a really nice person, and that is no way to live. We all deserve to be happy, and that shit has a way of ruining it.

I, being a random stranger, believe that you will find the strength to truly exorcise that shit from your life very soon (hmmmm...the power of suggetion, perhaps), as will I. Then we can write about the joys of love again, and ain't that waaaaay more fun? Stay up, sister.

[Collage]

Ki!
Your blog is awesome. I admire your comittment to keep up with the posts and comments. W/that said, let me say thank you for sharing your experiences.

I am not sure if the reference to the last relationship is the same person we both know who is an artist where you are locally, but I am so glad that self-preservation kicked in and you made a decision for self in that regard.

I was in a situation in Jxn where mental and emotinal anguish was a core element in the relationship. For a minute I thought my thinking that way was crazy, b/c I had never had that done to me before. But, when I stepped back and removed myself physically (meaning no more physical intimacy) I was able to be clear about many things and was able to get out. Not w/o some emotional bruises. But, I still made it. And as you know, I go tall the way out, of the state infact.

Fortunately, true love does come along and I am a testament that having the right person in your life can indeed help you heal. We don't always have to go at it alone. So if you meet someone who understands and respects the process of inner healing, then let him in.

I believe othe people are meant to hel; us heal from bad relationship experiences just like people get help for other things. So it is with this love and emotional things as well.

Like I heard in the movie Madea's Family Reunion,
"some men come to restore." Believe that and flow with love. That is the key to true healing for us personally and for the world.

Peace & Poetry,
C

[That NY Poet Girl]

hey girly,

you have been on my blog right?? LOL i am dealing with the same kind of thing, you have to put your happiness first and if you have to think like that - you need to go anyway. you can't make soemthing work by yourself nor can you break it up by yourself (i think someone else may have said that as well)...

you and only you know when it is time to go. and you left. so it's done. if you felt a weight leave your heart and although a lil' sad, still were joyous - you did the right thing.

[aquababie]

i want to thanks everyone for your support. i am trying very hard to make my way through this.

mighty oba, your writing sounds familiar. but i will take your words as support.

collage, i remember your situation. i'm so glad you're doing so well and believe me when i say i am proud of your progress.

ny poet, i've been worried about you. you haven't posting. i'm glad to see you're back. give all that energy to your seed.